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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| "don't put your life in someone's hands, he's bound to steal it away." "how could i be such a fool? to let go of love...knowing when you walked out that door, left a hole in my heart." "tell me, when are you going to let me in?" "tell me it's over, and i'll still love you the same. tell me it's over, i don't want you to hurt. so i'll be on my way." "this is your life, are you who you want to be?" | | |
| it's been 3 weeks since i left school, and A LOT has happened. but ironically, i'm ready to go back. it's hard to assimulate back into "home life"...not like i really have a home. i love my friends here, don't get me wrong, but the several months apart makes connection hard. katie, heather, & i are fine, as always. it wasn't too difficult to step back into things, cause i realized that when with them, it's better to just forget what happened at school. sure, katie has met my friends at Truman, so she asks about them occassionally, but other than that, i try not to say anything. and i've come to the conclusion that i've spread myself too thin...once again. there are too many people that i'm trying to keep in contact with and it's tiring. oh well...i'll figure out. been doing some difficult "soul searching" over the past few weeks...thankfully, certain AMAZING people have helped...but we'll see. still a mix of good and bad all around. i want to feel settled, but i think that i won't until after college...and maybe not even then. i want to start writing again. i've been reading. Guatemala is approaching; i can't wait!!! maybe that'll give me some clarity. | | |
| i went to bed last night smiling. i woke up this morning in a good mood. cause this day was important 3 years ago. even though it feels like eternity, i remember the details. part of me wishes to return to that day...or rather, maybe i wish things had turned out differently. i'm not quite sure... i said something stupid...no surprises there. i need to not let my emotions get the better of me. i need to keep things inside. that's what this summer is for... | | |
| and then i wanted all this pain to go away. didn't realize what went wrong...probably cause i allowed myself to care too much. and that's when i wanted the casket- the unbreakable heart. who cares what you have to lose to get it. cause this pain is what's killing me. it's because i care...stuff has been eating me away for the last year...i can't be happy anymore. i honestly can't. my happiness is reading a book or watching a movie- being off in some fictional place away from reality. and i wonder why i harm myself...cause how do you describe emotional pain? you can't understand the severity. and i feel so unhuman like in this moment. -"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one....lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness....but in that casket it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable...The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation." right now, i'm just trying to keep my heart beating. | | |
| i hate goodbyes. i hate trainstations and airports. anything that's transitional. and that includes summer. this summer will be good for certain things, but it's just another transition. i dunno...i'm sure it'll get better once i've been home for a little bit. had some amazing conversations last night. one in particular...it was good and one of a kind  . there are very few people that i would talk to like that. in fact, i didn't go to bed last night because i enjoyed talking. which somewhat screws me over for tomorrow...but oh well. i'm done with school. finished "Weeds" with aaron & eric. good show. we'll have to pick it up again next fall, boys! i don't want to say goodbye to someone...i mean, i want to get away from him...but i don't want to have an official goodbye. we'll see... | | |
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